"But the Point is..." - 08/14/2007

”But the Point Is…”

08/14/2007

I remember pulling up to a bar/restaurant – something like the Ale House – and sitting inside, with a table full of people. None of them seemed very familiar, though. The restaurant was absolutely packed, and I was, more or less, the only black guy in the place. After a while of sitting around, shooting the shit, I had turned around and asked a girl, that was sitting in the booth behind me, something. I can’t remember what it was, but I wasn’t hitting on her or anything. I didn’t even notice that there was a guy sitting right next to her, until he leaned over and slurred something like “Why don’t you leave us alone and take your ass back to Kentucky Fried Chicken?”

I heard a chorus of collective gasps and “Oh, shit”s from the people at my table, obviously thinking that it was going to be World War III up in the restaurant. Heh. I just kinda looked over at them and smiled, and shook my head. I said “Nah, I’m not even worried about it. I get this kinda thing more often than you’d think. People that ignorant aren’t even worth my time, let alone my effort to fight.” From behind me, I heard the guy stand up. I looked over at him as he came around to my side of the table and started getting all worked up about what I’d just said. He was a fat, flannel-shirt and dirty baseball cap wearing, redneck and was obviously so drunk that he could barely see straight. He was all “What did you say, ni**er?? I’ll bust you up (blah blah blah)”

I remain seated and just shrugged this guy off. I started making cracks at him like “Look, man. I know you feel threatened by black folk and that you have to compensate by puffing out your chest. It’s ok. Everybody deals with their insecurities in different ways. Yours just happens to be talking unintelligent bullshit and trying to intimidate others. I understand.” (Not exact dialogue, which I can’t remember, it was close to it.)

The people at my table started chuckling a little bit and, by this time, other people around us had started noticing what was going on. The guy got more pissed and was like “Get up! Get up and we’ll see how bad you are!!” Like I said, this guy was obviously hammered - slurring, and wobbling as he stood. He was bigger (read: “just about as tall, but much fatter”) than me, but I can tell that this wouldn’t even be a fight. I’d be surprised if he even landed a punch. Actually, I kinda pitied the guy.

Still, I remained seated and shook my head at the guy. I was like “You know…I could get up. I could wreck this good time that I’m having with my friends, over here, and get drawn into a fight with you. Drunk as you are, I’m sure it wouldn’t be that much work. But that’s not the point. The point is…I don’t wanna f*ckin' fight you.” He’s like “you’re scared! I know you are! Come on, let’s go!” Without missing a beat, I was like “Scared? Scared of what…a drunken fat man, with a chip on his shoulder and 1/3 of my I.Q.? Please. I mean, you’re not even smart enough to realize that you can’t even stand up straight on your own. Why the hell would I feel like I’d have a hard time knocking you down?” (Again, none of this is verbatim. Just the gist of the conversation. The point is that, with everything this guy said, I had the perfect comeback. I was destroying this guy, in the eyes of the crowd. Heh.) This got a huge laugh from the people at my table, and I just grinned and shrugged my shoulders at the guy, capping it off with what I had said the first time…”But…that’s not the point. The point is…I don’t wanna f*ckin' fight you.”

He was getting more and more heated, and I just leaned back in my chair and played him down. Finally, the girl that he was sitting with (I think she was the only person with him) got up and started trying to get him to leave with her, obviously embarrassed that this guy was making a complete ass of himself. He fought it off for a little while, but started slowly making his way toward the door with her, walking (practically being dragged) backward and yelling shit across the room at me, the whole time. I can’t remember what it was he said, but there was another exchange of words, while he was near the door. Everyone in the whole restaurant was watching us, and I finally stood up, as if making a speech. I said “Look….” And I went into this whole looooooooong (but nonchalant) series of insults, basically tearing down his intellect, making fun of his drunkenness, and telling him that the best thing he had going for him was that his ladyfriend was trying to protect him. I wish I could remember everything I said, because it lasted about twenty seconds, it was brilliant, and it just floooowwwwed off the tongue. But what really did it was that, when I finished, I paused for a second and then waved my hand, dismissively saying “BUT…that’s not the point…” and by that time, the entire crowd was just eating it up. They knew exactly what I was going to say and the entire room said it with me:

“The Point is…I Don’t [Crowd: “He Doesn’t…”] [Together:] "Wanna F*ckin' Fight You!”

Oh, man. It was beautiful.

The guy got so pissed that he picked up one of the indoor signs and threw it across the room, at nobody in particular. Then I waved my hand again and said “Ok…Management...he’s your problem now. I’m done,” and sat back down. The guy was escorted out and the whole crowd erupted in a cheer. After a moment, a thought crossed my mind, and I got up and said, “I’ll be right back.” Someone asked me where I was going, and I said that I was going to go outside and make sure that guy didn’t do anything to my car, laughed and went to the door. (Not quite sure what made me think that guy knew which car was mine.) As I was heading through the inner-doors - which led to a small front room, before the larger Enter/Exit - some other guy ran up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and said “Hey, man. I just wanted to tell that I loved the way you handled yourself, back there. That was freaking awesome. Seriously: Good job.” I grinned, thanked him, shook his hand, and walked toward the exit. I don’t remember ever reaching the exit doors, though.