"Granny Gunfight" - 09/27/2006

"Granny Gunfight"

09/27/2006

Dream Two

*image credit*

(I had some B6, before bed, and my dreams were very vivid, last night.)

In this dream, I was in a Home Depot, or some other large hardware store. There was an older woman walking around the store, who I knew was up to something. Though I didn't know the details, what I did know was that this old lady was bad - like gun-toting, crime-spree-committing, "I'll-Shoot-You-In-The-Face-if-you-cross-me" bad.

Anyway, we (I?) were trying to capture this old woman. As I was walking down an aisle of this hardware store, I looked over and saw the woman looking back at me. As soon as she noticed that she was being watched, she took off running, disappearing behind one of the tall shelves. I ran after her, and once turning the corner to follow her, I saw that she was running along the wall of one of the aisles, horizontally, on all fours (looking much like the way that the xenomorphs from the movie "Aliens" can run on the walls and ceiling). She was scurrying quickly and getting away from me faster than I would be able to do anything to stop her. As flees, she reaches back with a pistol in her hand and fires off a couple of pot shots, which miss me.

Instinctively, I pulled a shotgun out from [somewhere] (Actually, I think I got it from a cop car, during the first dream of the night, which makes me think the two were connected, but I'm not certain, so I didn't bother to post that one.) It was empty, though. I started searching and asking, around the hardware store, for shotgun shells (as if those were something that you would just find hanging around at Home Depot). Some woman, who was standing in line at the register, kept saying "They're over here," but she had her back turned to me, and there were a lot of people standing around, so I couldn't tell where the voice was coming from. She kept saying it, over and over: "They're Over here." Finally, I'm like "WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU?!" Then, a random woman turned around, looked at me, and nonchalantly said: "Right here."

She pointed to an empty gun rack and picked up the last two shotgun shells that were remaining. Irritated, I yelled "TWO?!" I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do with two shotgun shells in a firefight?

I took them anyway and loaded up the shotgun. Then, I went searching for the old lady.

I don't remember too much more, after this, except for one thing: As I was going around, hunting for this old (inhuman?), pistol-packing woman, I saw the lady that led me to the shells, running across the aisle, in front of me. She'd pulled out a pistol of her own and was firing back at someone [or something] as she dashed passed my line of sight. I ran and caught up with her, looking back to see that she had only fired twice but had taken out the deadly old woman with a well-placed shot (to the neck, I think).

The woman that had given me the shells then pulled out a badge, showing me that she was an undercover cop.

(That's all I could remember.)

"Shanked" - 08/20/2007

”Shanked”

08/20/2007

In this dream, I was much younger than I am now, and was at a school that reminded me of my old junior high, back in Houston. I think I even heard its name, sometime throughout the dream. While walking through this school with a couple of people that apparently knew me (the hallways were mostly outside), and feeling like a complete newbie, I noticed a small group of roughneck-looking brothaz, off to the side of me. I glanced over that way, not even really “looking,” and one of them looked back at me, obviously not very happy that I was looking that way. Having not really intended to lock eyes, in the first place, I simply looked back in the direction I was going. Behind me, the guy could be heard saying something about my looking over there, as if my glance was some sort of challenge to him, or something. I tried to just ignore him, and walk further into the large crowd of students that were going from class to class. Passing people, left and right, it only took a few brief glances behind me, to see that the guy was steadily coming up through the crowd, as well.

With no chance for me to respond, this guy came around from my side. His arm immediately swung in, toward my chest, and I see the glint of something metallic in his grasp. My hands flew up, instinctively, and I clasped them around his fist, but I was a little too slow, and he was a little too strong, as I wasn’t able to keep him from stabbing me in the chest and stomach - a good seven times or so, in just a second or two (didn’t hurt all that much, though). I knew I had been shanked but I could see that, by catching his fist with my hands, I was able to keep the entirety of the blade from entering my body.

It was still pretty bad, though. The guy was gone, just as quickly as he had appeared, and I began staggering - almost falling - bleeding through my t-shirt and gasping for air. When the people around me realized what happened, they immediately dropped everything and came to my aid, trying to keep me on my feet. I remember the sky immediately turning to night, somewhere around this time. I was losing a lot of blood, some of which began coming out of my mouth, and I could feel my energy slipping away from me. The school was suddenly on lock-down and there were soon cops and paramedics, all over the scene.

I don’t remember anything after the paramedics got there, though.

"Mindsweepers" - 03/03/2009 (Lucid)

"Mindsweepers"

03/03/2009

Dream #2

(Lucid)

(This one was pretty interesting. I've had dreams within dreams before, but I've never had a dream where I was in someone else's dream. I don't remember a whole lot of it, but the whole concept of how this one played out was awesome. I happened to catch the end of Vanilla Sky, last night, which I hadn't seen in ages. I'm figuring that's probably what inspired this dream.)

I was with two other guys, and we were part of an operation that sent us inside the mind of a mentally-disturbed girl. We were supposed to locate some sort of blocked memory, from her childhood, that was going to help her psychological therapy along (kind of like the premise for the movie "The Cell"). I don't remember anything from the "real world," in this dream, but once we entered her mind, it was as if we were entering a warehouse. Instead of going through a surreal "dream world," with vivid landscapes and fragmented continuity, we walked through a massive storeroom with various objects and boxes filed away, all over the place. Each of these objects represented the girl's memories. What was most surreal was that some of them were gigantic in size, such as a very large, pink, children's bike that stood up in a corner, some 15ft tall.

After roaming around this warehouse of memories, we came to a huge 'docking area' door, at the far end of the building. I went over to take a look, and one of the guys told me to be careful, because this was where all of the girl's childhood nightmares were stored. Tampering with it in the wrong way could unleash any or all of her forgotten nightmare creatures, to run rampant within her mind, which could send her into an even worse psychological state. It was also, apparently, where we were going to find clues to the blocked memory.

The guy who knew the most about what we were doing here - a young American (judging by the way he talked) of middle-eastern descent - came over to a panel, near the door, where I was standing. The panel was very high-tech and had a screen on it with a scrolling marquis of all types of monsters and disturbing images; a display of the atrocities held behind the door. The apparent technician opened up a service hatch in the floor, under the computerized panel, and crawled down inside of it. He got to work, doing...something or other, and we just kind of watched him, from above, while he worked. He was supposedly able to navigate the contents behind the door this way, in order to find clues within the girl's nightmares, to whatever memory it was we were looking for.

A few seconds after he started, an alarm began blaring. The guy below us began panicking, saying that something had gone wrong, and the door was about to open, releasing something from within. He stayed below, in the hatch, and the two of us - left up top - scrambled backward as the enormous door hissed and ascended high over our heads. Immediately, a goliath of a monster stomped out from storage. It was 20ft tall, easily, and had a top-heavy, muscle-ridden body with arms like redwood trunks...and it looked really, really pissed off.

The tech-guy screamed out that we had to keep this thing from getting away, into the different corners of this girl's mind, or it could do irreparable damage to her. In a bit of a strange twist, I realized that this was a dream world, and that I was good at dream control. Not sure if anything was going to work, because this wasn't my own mind. (In essence, I became lucid, without really becoming lucid.) I squared off against the massive monster, and planted my feet, pulling my hands back to one side and trying to summon a 'kamehameha' energy blast (ala Dragon Ball Z). When I threw my hands out, in front of me, though, nothing but a pitiful wave of distortion shot out of my palms, doing absolutely nothing to the monster. He charged in, toward me, and I dodged off to one side, jumping toward a wall and running straight up it, vertically, until I was higher than the beast's head. When I was high enough, I did a twisting backward flip over the monsters head, throwing my hands downward, repeatedly, and trying to fire multiple blasts of energy at the monster's head as I flipped and twisted over top of him. Nothing but short puffs of failure bursted forth, from my hands. I landed the impossibly-high flip, perfectly, though, crouching and facing the towering creature, completely out of ideas.

Suddenly, just as soon as the action had started, it stopped. Time had rewound, and we were instantly back, roaming through the storage facility, again, just beginning to approach the large door. I began to notice that we'd done this, before. I remembered the monster, and I recalled trying to use powers. I, then, realized that this wasn't the girl's dream. It was mine. I was now actually lucid. The first thing I did was look at my hands, and everything was just about as vivid as it was, before. I had to actively try to visualize my hands as being distorted, before they began to warp and change shape. The DC's I had been with, previously, were still playing their roles, though, and they were going to work on the hatch again. I told them there was no need for that, because I was the one dreaming. It took some coaxing, but I got them to abandon the mission so that we could go and find something else to do. I distinctly remember one of them protesting - citing the importance of the mission - as we were walking away from the hatch, and me telling him to "just shut up, DC", feeling frustrated after my attempts at beating the monster before had been so futile. The thought crossed my mind, to try fighting it again, but I didn't really feel like wasting the dream on it.

(Unfortunately, that's all I remember, and I woke up shortly after that. I came to the PC to take down my notes and then went back to sleep.)

"The Schoolyard" - 01/02/2007 (Lucid)

"The Schoolyard"

01/02/2007
(Lucid)

I showed up to school, apparently after having smoked some MJ, and I was sitting in the back, trying to keep a low profile. I didn’t actually want to be high, and I could tell I probably looked it. I went to the closet, in the back of the class (which was actually my old bedroom closet) and started rummaging around for something to speed me up, like an energy pill. I found one of those “brain stimulants,” that are supposed to make your mind more sharp or whatever, and popped one of those in my mouth, then went back to my seat and tried to stay under the radar. We all had computers at our desks, and someone sent me a message that showed a video surveillance feed that was watching my desk from behind. They obviously didn’t want me to know who it was, though. After class, I stayed behind, looking for the camera. When I found it, I followed the wiring all the way around to an empty desk. I didn’t know who was sitting there, during class, so I decided to snoop around on the computer they were using, checking the Net history. I found a forum called “Jackson Forums” and, seeing this, I remembered exactly who was sitting in the seat – a fellow member of the Dream Views forums, named "U.M.". He was trying to show me that he had some sort of proof of my deviant behavior, and that he was going to hold it over my head, for blackmail of some sort.

Leaving the classroom and going through the hallways, I grabbed a tape recorder out of my locker, just in case I saw him again. I ended up going to the restroom, and he also walked in, not long behind me. We were the only ones in there and, while I was in the stall, he just started talking; spouting off about how he had dirt on me and how - unless I did something advantageous to him, like drop out of class; etc. - he’d give it to our teacher. He didn’t know that I was recording his confession, the whole time he was talking. Finally, I heard him leave the bathroom and I put the recorder away, figuring that I’d just wait for the right time to exact my revenge. Later, there was a massive buffet in the cafeteria. I don’t remember much about this part, but I grabbed so much food that I literally had stuff falling off my plate. Lol.

The dream skipped ahead, and I was in a college dorm. My friend T was there. We kept playing pranks on each other, all night, and were having a ball at it. Finally, out of nowhere, while we were just randomly joking around, I realized that I was dreaming. Just to prove to myself that I was, I focused on T and levitated him with my mind. We both had a good laugh about it. Then, continuing the game, he stole my camera, directly from me. (It wasn’t even a camera that I actually have.) I forgot how he did it, but it revealed that he had powers too, just like I did in the dream. Instead of actually going to look for it, though, I set the intention that it would be sitting right behind me and, when I turned around, there it was.

Another fast forward - and we were all in the auditorium, watching some kind of show, though I don’t remember anything about it. We got word that something was going on, outside, so a very large group of us went out to check. The fence surrounding the grounds of this expansive 'college' campus was huge and heavy, with 3 large slabs of metal as the gate. Since I was still lucid, I grabbed the slabs, telekinetically, and moved them off to the side. We continued through, to the courtyard. There was another group of people out there, led by some villain-character. They all had powers - just I had - and, by now, I’d learned that only some people in my group had them. I was, obviously, the only person that had no idea what was going on, because they all started shouting at each other, as if they were rival gangs. Things heated up and, before I knew it, all of my “friends” and the other group were running toward each other. A brawl was about to start, and I was pretty sure that my side, as a whole, were at a disadvantage. I ran to the front-right corner of my group and turned, looking at the space between the two converging masses. Focusing, I imagined a wall of telekinetic energy sliding out in front of me between the two factions. I could tell that things were going to get bad, and I wanted to do what I could to stop it before it got out of hand. Before anyone was able to clash, everyone stopped, suddenly - the invisible wall having taken effect.

In immediate retaliation, the main villain swooped down and began to attack me, and so I had to drop my focus on the telekinetic wall, in order to fight him. I don’t remember much of the fight, though.

Sometime during the skirmish, I had lost my lucidity. People were retreating back into the college-ish building, which had that old-time architecture, and I eventually followed. By the time I'd gotten back inside, I was split from my group, and I asked the lady at the front desk where they’d gone. She pointed me in one direction and I started going down this maze of hallways that began to twist and distort, surreally. I looked into one room, from the hall, and I could see a burning fireplace, with human heads - on skewers - roasting inside of it, which was....weird.

Continuing on, I came to a door that was too small to get into. It opened from the other side, unassisted, and I could see that it was a panel that was positioned beneath someone’s seat, in the auditorium, and I couldn’t continue that way without disrupting whatever was going on, in there. I turned and found another room, which was dark. For no reason at all, I realized I was dreaming again. I tried to flip the light switch with my mind. It inched slowly and reluctantly over, and flipped to the opposite position, but no lights came on. I then tried to blink my eyes and make the lights just be "on" when I opened them, but (being the terrible impulse that it was), I ended up opening my real eyes and waking up.

"When the Moon Comes Out" - 05/09/2019

"When the Moon Comes Out"

05/09/2019

I was with my best friend, T, in a school gymnasium. Apparently, we were being sent on some mission, where we would be transported through time and space, for a major battle. This would be a time-dilated experience, so, even if we took days to get the job done, only seconds would have passed, to everyone around us, by the time we got back home. A crowd watched, while we walked up into the bleachers, donning armored suits and taking our choice of weaponry from a scattered pile near the top. I remember assembling and disassembling various gun parts, in order to customize my loadout, and we both walked back down to the floor, carrying beefy, dual rifles, with all kinds of accessories on them. I don't remember much of the actual trip through space/time, but I recall that it had to do with some sort of ritual that had to be performed by the people who were sending us on the journey.

The next thing I knew, I was "waking up," in an all-white bedroom - either in a crouched position, or sitting in a chair. I don't remember which, but I got the feeling of "coming to," in a position of rest. Looking around this unfamiliar setting - unarmed, as it seems my armor and weapons had disappeared - I tried to get my bearings and remembered having been sent on this other-worldly mission. A strange sensation of "not-quite-lucid" washed over me, as I felt a very surreal nature to this place. It felt very cerebral, almost dream-like, in sense that I felt any anxiety I might feel may actually manifest into a bad situation, here. Despite the fact that I was surrounded by pearl-white decor, with daylight beaming in through the windows, there was an unsettling stillness about this house. Trying to push the tension out of my mind, I began exploring my way through the deathly-silent house, eventually making it to a back door.

Outside, it was a completely different scene. There were plenty of people, milling around. Children ran about the yard, as if there was some family get-together going on. After some walking, I was approached by three, burly, Latino men who, for some reason, decided to start shit with me. I don't remember many details of the fight which ensued, but I know that it still had that 'almost-lucid' feel to it. I had them supernaturally outclassed, leaving two of them writhing around in the grass, in paint, with the other one backing away from me and asking for mercy. He actually asked if I would stick with them and help be their "bodyguard," so to speak, whenever they ran into trouble. Lol. I simply declined.

Shortly afterward, I could see that people were beginning to disperse from the area, in a fashion that immediately implied that they were seeking shelter. The doors and windows of neighboring houses were being closed and shuttered. I noticed that the atmosphere was growing increasingly overcast, and a very distinctly ominous wind was beginning to swell. Even the tough guys I'd encountered were scrambling away, and I could hear them mentioning something about "what happens when the moon comes out." Suddenly, the revelation hit me that I may not know what was going on, but I should probably seek some kind of shelter, myself.

I ran to the nearest building, which, I believe, started out as just another house. Once inside, though, it morphed into a run-down slum of an apartment building. The hallways were dark and cluttered, with peeling walls and holes in every other surface. People were still shutting and shuttering their doors, so I decided to just keep searching until I could find a suitable place for myself, rather than attempting to deal with any of these strangers. Before long, I was stopped by a woman who stepped out from the shadows of a doorway - a white woman, a few years older than me, with somewhat frizzled hair and a hardened look to her. She seemed familiar, and I soon recognized her as who I believed to be one of the faces in the crowd, back in the gymnasium I had been in before making the jump through space/time.

Hurriedly, she told me to follow her and started leading me up one of the winding stairwells of this apartment building, explaining to me about the "monsters," that flood this town, after dark. As we traversed to the higher levels of the building, I could see that the weather was quickly deteriorating, outside. The wind was now howling loudly, and night was falling ridiculously fast. I remember asking more questions about these monster attacks, and - though I don't recall what one, specific question was - I recall her answering me, very dismissively, with: "Well, it doesn't really matter, because nobody else here is likely to survive the night, but us."

At one point, she motioned for me to crouch and be quiet. I immediately complied, and she pointed up to a huge hole in the wall, rounding off the next flight of stairs. Through the hole, I could see the lights of a helicopter, ascending just outside of the building. It had a cargo palette suspended beneath it and, as the palette rose into view, I could see a large, bulky object resting upon it - definitely some kind of monster. It was either sleeping or sedated, with a body about the size of a rhino, and a face like a cephalopod (squid-like), with tentacles hanging from its snout. It was clear that there was a human faction releasing or aiding these monsters, and this woman knew all about it.

Eventually, we made it to one of the higher floors, and she showed me her hideout, which had heavy, metal barricade shutters. We spent the rest of the dream riding out the night in the safe house, but I don't remember else.

"No Disassemble Johnny 5!!" - 09/22/2007

"No Disassemble Johnny 5!!"

09/22/2007

This one started in a school. I was sitting in a desk with a bunch of others that were surrounding a projector. The teacher was going over something and we were all supposed to be taking notes. I don't remember very much about this part, but I know that, at some time, I got out of my desk and was actually laying down on the floor, taking notes, instead of being in my chair. E.T. and M.R. (two female ex-coworkers, that are too old for school) were some of my classmates. It was a holiday and there was a big "holiday function" going on, in the auditorium. Afterward, during the night, we all went out to eat at a place that reminded me of Denny's.

I really don't know how he got tied into all of this but, for some reason, the robot Johnny 5 (from the movie Short Circuit) was a friend of mine, and he was in the restaurant with us. Some big "Kill Johnny 5" scenario broke out where even some of the restaurant workers were out to destroy him. One of the restaurant workers even had a laser like J5's, that he was shooting up the whole place with, trying to get the robot. We were able to get him safely out of the restaurant, and into M.R.'s car. There was a short segment that I remember where J5 and I were laughing and joking around in the backseat and we were showing ourselves to be such good friends that M.R. and E.T. were like "Awwww."

We drove to the apartment of the girl from the Short Circuit movie (which looked like the apt complex I lived in, in Georgia). As we were pulling up, we saw a backhoe working in a ditch on the side of the neighborhood. J5 said something like "That's him," implying that he had a mechanical arch-nemesis. We drove by the backhoe as discretely as we could while J5 explained that the backhoe was some sort of alien technology that could shape-shift like the Transformers. Once we got in the apartment, my perspective switched from first- to third-person.

In third-person, I saw the backhoe move to another position in the neighborhood and do this crazy section-by-section transformation, and turn into another type of "tractor." The next day came (still in third-person) and I watched the foreman of the construction project start investigating the incorrect digging of the ditch the backhoe was attending to. Then, out of nowhere, the (newly transformed) backhoe, which was now more like a fork-lift, slam into the foreman from behind and push him into some sort of compacting machine. The guy's arm got trapped in the machine and I saw him get dragged into the works and shredded by the machine (which looked completely fake, as if it was a b-movie effect). Afterward, the "forklift" manifested this humanoid for a driver (kind of like the Decepticon's from the movie had the holographic drivers/pilots), and assume the identity of the foreman.

The next morning (back in first person), the holographic person came to our apartment door, which was on the second floor, and demanded to see J5. J5 had actually asked us to shut down his system, so he couldn't be detected by the other machine, and we told the holographic guy that J5 wasn't with us (I really won't take the time to fully describe the guy's persona, but he was a really animated psychopath - kinda looking like Sylar from Heroes, with a personality like a psychotic Jim Carrey). The guy finally went away, but then, knowing that we were lying, he got back in his "transformer" and started tearing apart the neighborhood. He used the machine to stack up a bunch of crates and shoot them, with some weird catapult mechanism, toward the train tracks that were not far from us (this, I saw in third person). Finally, he launched a huge rubber tire onto the tracks. Some guy came along, just as a train was coming, and tried to remove the tire from the tracks and the "Decepticon" (for lack of a better word) tricked the guy into staying on the tracks for too long, and the guy got hit by the train. Still as a disembodied entity, my perspective followed the holographic guy as he walked back to the machine, after revelling in his handi-work. I began to actually talk to him (though I was really no more than a "camera" following him) and asked him about how it felt to be a killer, somewhat interviewing him. He said he "loved his work."

My perspective switched back to first-person, and we were up inside the apartment. I seemed to have some recollection of what I'd seen as a disembodied entity, because I was suddenly telling everyone with me that "We need to get out of here" because this guy was about to go apeshit. The girl we'd come to seek refuge with said that she wasn't packed and ready, and that we could leave without her, and she'd catch up with her. I said something like "No, we need to leave now! I don't care if you run out with your pj's on. We have to go!" No sooner had I said this, than my perspective switched back to 3rd person, and I saw a bunch of chains attached to the same conveyor-belt machine that had chopped up the foreman. The chains were strung up to our apartment. They started pulling and completely ripped the staircase and front face of our apartment off.

Shortly after, back in first person, we heard a piano playing downstairs. What was once a second-story apartment was now a two-story sort of townhouse. We walked down an inside staircase (which wasn't there when we got there) and to the first floor of her apartment. She now had a bunch of family members down there, and there was a piano playing by itself. I knew something was definitely wrong, and we all stood around trying to find out what was going on. There was a round young boy that was standing near me. The front door, which was directly behind me, blew open, and I rushed to close it. For some reason, I looked back at the kid. I somehow knew that there was something not right with this kid, and put him in an arm lock. He went from a false panic to a maniacal laughter, and I (again, somehow) knew that the holographic man had transformed into the kid. Holding him, I asked what happened to the real kid that was related to the girl we were hiding with. The "boy" said something like "Him? Oh, I chopped him up and put him in the piano" motioning over to the piano that was playing itself, and he continued laughing. The kid was suddenly gone and, looking outside, I saw that he had materialized back into the crazy holographic guy. Through the window, he made one final demand for us to give up J5, so he could destroy him. We refused, and he was like "Ok, fine," and walked off. My perspective switched yet again and saw the guy standing over a detonator. He said something fanatical that ended with the words "TNT!" (don't remember what he said, though), and hit the detonator. A huge chain reaction of explosions started that implied he'd wired the entire complex with explosions and was about to take it all down, including our apartment. We could feel the ground shaking as the explosions went off, and they were getting increasingly closer. I didn't get to see what happened though, because, during the explosions, I woke up.

"But the Point is..." - 08/14/2007

”But the Point Is…”

08/14/2007

I remember pulling up to a bar/restaurant – something like the Ale House – and sitting inside, with a table full of people. None of them seemed very familiar, though. The restaurant was absolutely packed, and I was, more or less, the only black guy in the place. After a while of sitting around, shooting the shit, I had turned around and asked a girl, that was sitting in the booth behind me, something. I can’t remember what it was, but I wasn’t hitting on her or anything. I didn’t even notice that there was a guy sitting right next to her, until he leaned over and slurred something like “Why don’t you leave us alone and take your ass back to Kentucky Fried Chicken?”

I heard a chorus of collective gasps and “Oh, shit”s from the people at my table, obviously thinking that it was going to be World War III up in the restaurant. Heh. I just kinda looked over at them and smiled, and shook my head. I said “Nah, I’m not even worried about it. I get this kinda thing more often than you’d think. People that ignorant aren’t even worth my time, let alone my effort to fight.” From behind me, I heard the guy stand up. I looked over at him as he came around to my side of the table and started getting all worked up about what I’d just said. He was a fat, flannel-shirt and dirty baseball cap wearing, redneck and was obviously so drunk that he could barely see straight. He was all “What did you say, ni**er?? I’ll bust you up (blah blah blah)”

I remain seated and just shrugged this guy off. I started making cracks at him like “Look, man. I know you feel threatened by black folk and that you have to compensate by puffing out your chest. It’s ok. Everybody deals with their insecurities in different ways. Yours just happens to be talking unintelligent bullshit and trying to intimidate others. I understand.” (Not exact dialogue, which I can’t remember, it was close to it.)

The people at my table started chuckling a little bit and, by this time, other people around us had started noticing what was going on. The guy got more pissed and was like “Get up! Get up and we’ll see how bad you are!!” Like I said, this guy was obviously hammered - slurring, and wobbling as he stood. He was bigger (read: “just about as tall, but much fatter”) than me, but I can tell that this wouldn’t even be a fight. I’d be surprised if he even landed a punch. Actually, I kinda pitied the guy.

Still, I remained seated and shook my head at the guy. I was like “You know…I could get up. I could wreck this good time that I’m having with my friends, over here, and get drawn into a fight with you. Drunk as you are, I’m sure it wouldn’t be that much work. But that’s not the point. The point is…I don’t wanna f*ckin' fight you.” He’s like “you’re scared! I know you are! Come on, let’s go!” Without missing a beat, I was like “Scared? Scared of what…a drunken fat man, with a chip on his shoulder and 1/3 of my I.Q.? Please. I mean, you’re not even smart enough to realize that you can’t even stand up straight on your own. Why the hell would I feel like I’d have a hard time knocking you down?” (Again, none of this is verbatim. Just the gist of the conversation. The point is that, with everything this guy said, I had the perfect comeback. I was destroying this guy, in the eyes of the crowd. Heh.) This got a huge laugh from the people at my table, and I just grinned and shrugged my shoulders at the guy, capping it off with what I had said the first time…”But…that’s not the point. The point is…I don’t wanna f*ckin' fight you.”

He was getting more and more heated, and I just leaned back in my chair and played him down. Finally, the girl that he was sitting with (I think she was the only person with him) got up and started trying to get him to leave with her, obviously embarrassed that this guy was making a complete ass of himself. He fought it off for a little while, but started slowly making his way toward the door with her, walking (practically being dragged) backward and yelling shit across the room at me, the whole time. I can’t remember what it was he said, but there was another exchange of words, while he was near the door. Everyone in the whole restaurant was watching us, and I finally stood up, as if making a speech. I said “Look….” And I went into this whole looooooooong (but nonchalant) series of insults, basically tearing down his intellect, making fun of his drunkenness, and telling him that the best thing he had going for him was that his ladyfriend was trying to protect him. I wish I could remember everything I said, because it lasted about twenty seconds, it was brilliant, and it just floooowwwwed off the tongue. But what really did it was that, when I finished, I paused for a second and then waved my hand, dismissively saying “BUT…that’s not the point…” and by that time, the entire crowd was just eating it up. They knew exactly what I was going to say and the entire room said it with me:

“The Point is…I Don’t [Crowd: “He Doesn’t…”] [Together:] "Wanna F*ckin' Fight You!”

Oh, man. It was beautiful.

The guy got so pissed that he picked up one of the indoor signs and threw it across the room, at nobody in particular. Then I waved my hand again and said “Ok…Management...he’s your problem now. I’m done,” and sat back down. The guy was escorted out and the whole crowd erupted in a cheer. After a moment, a thought crossed my mind, and I got up and said, “I’ll be right back.” Someone asked me where I was going, and I said that I was going to go outside and make sure that guy didn’t do anything to my car, laughed and went to the door. (Not quite sure what made me think that guy knew which car was mine.) As I was heading through the inner-doors - which led to a small front room, before the larger Enter/Exit - some other guy ran up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and said “Hey, man. I just wanted to tell that I loved the way you handled yourself, back there. That was freaking awesome. Seriously: Good job.” I grinned, thanked him, shook his hand, and walked toward the exit. I don’t remember ever reaching the exit doors, though.